clubfoot journey-feeling stuck

joseph has been an absolute dream his entire clubfoot treatment. he tolerated his casts just fine (of course, getting the casts on made him cry a bit) and had no issues with his bnb. there were a couple instances where he got some red marks and a couple blisters looked like they were starting to form, but we quickly remedied those so they didn't. and then of course all the bruises i endured from bed sharing with him, but all in all, an absolute dream.

when we met with his new doctor last year (or whenever it was, i can't remember because... mom life) we discussed his treatment plan and how long he would continue in bnb. he suggested until he was at least four, but longer if he can tolerate them. so, since he had always been so tolerant, we thought he would just be in them until grade school (or, if it were up to me, high school to be honest), no question about it. how incredibly naive of us to think that he simply would just not want to wear them anymore. which is exactly what is starting to happen.

just about a month ago joseph has been refusing his bnb. what was a fun nightly routine has become full of protesting and crying-sometimes even thrashing-just to get them on. we've been (mostly) diligent, not making too big of a scene and explaining why it is important to wear them, but he refuses. it is so hard watching your child shake his head to something that is so beneficial for him. it hurts my heart to know that he doesn't want to wear them, but that he isn't old enough to tell us why. i wonder: are they uncomfortable? do they hurt? does he get sweaty in them? can he not sleep on his belly anymore because of them? are they too heavy? what is it, my baby? what is wrong?

luckily joseph has an appointment soon and we can talk to dr. zionts about what to do next. we might be able to get him into an ADM or get more info about them, or we may end up just enduring this until the phase is over or he turns four (which isn't for another two years), but the thought of discontinuing use at four scares me. what if he relapses? and if that happened, would he need a tenotomy this time? and if he doesn't relapse right away, will he have complications later in life? we know his foot has been fully corrected and we have been obsessively diligent about him wearing his bnb (with very few exceptions here and there), but there is always that 'what if' that is hard to avoid when it comes to medical disabilities and complications in your child. and no matter how perfect treatment has been up to this point, as a parent you always wonder if what you have been doing is right. and then you question those few times you took the bnb off early or didn't put them on at all. you question the tightness of the boots-were they too loose? too tight? did i do everything right? but, we have to have faith that we did. we have to have faith and trust that the choices we made, the time he's spent in bnb, were right. we've done everything that we could and even then there are some things we cannot control. and that's just how life goes.

so, just two more years. just two.more.years mama. we can do this!