hazel mae, it has been one year since you left my body, since you left us. i remember that day so vividly; it is a pain i will never shake from my core. the fear that has followed since we found out we were expecting your baby sister cora has been almost unbearable at times and the guilt that comes along with having an empty womb to fill before your due date was to even come to pass can be overwhelming. this is a grief that cannot be measured; not in years, or months, or days, or hours. it's just there, either lingering or taking me over completely. and even still, after walking this journey of loss for a whole year, there are times when i feel like losing you isn't as significant as if you had ever joined us earth side. as if losing you at just six weeks gestation isn't really that big of a deal. not because i want to feel that way, but because i just do. there's no good reason for the way grief works and the pressure we put on ourselves as mothers and parents. and there is no right or wrong way, either.
but this past year hasn't been completely full of guilt and sadness and waves of fear where i feel like i'm drowning. i've been able to connect with many mama's who are walking a similar path as i am; mama's who have lost their babies at six weeks, twelve weeks, twenty weeks, full term, and earth side. and my heart has never been so full. the night that we lost you, your daddy and i cried the heaviest tears that have ever left our bodies and i knew right then and there that, even though you were leaving us, we would forever and always still be your parents. that i am still a mother (to you).
the phrase still a mother resonated on my heart and i really wanted to just do something with that. i wasn't sure quite what yet, and i wouldn't know for a while, but it made such a huge impression on me that i prayed hard about what this could mean. then one day it just clicked: make a tee to help spread awareness of pregnancy and infant loss. take the minimization placed on us in society and shatter that stigma with an item that empowers mothers. so i reached out to a lovely mama and her small shop to see if she could help me bring this to light and she graciously opened her shop and her time up to do just that. not only did she help me facilitate this, but many loss mamas chimed in on the font design and felt a alight amount of encouragement that something like this would be made available to them. we launched the preorders on october 15, which is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, and just the other day my shirt - my heart - arrived; just in time for today. and this shirt honors you, hazel.
this week photos have been shared of other loss mamas in their still a mother tee and while i am deeply saddened that anyone has to walk to path of loss, i am also encouraged and inspired by their strength.
hazel mae, you are so loved and such an inspiration to all. you may have not been able to grace our arms and this earth, but you've touched our hearts and live in them daily. and i want you to know that not a day has gone by this past year that i haven't thought of you in some way or another. whether it be a cloud passing by, the warm air on my cheek or simply the sound of your name being spoken by your big siblings.
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if you're a loss mama and would like a shirt, message the wild ones shop on instagram. there were some "misprints" (the font was just a little bit smaller than what we had expected, but there are no flaws) left at a discounted rate, limited quantity. thank you all for your amazing support. you and your angel babies were on my mind when designing this tee.
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